A history of my love affair with technology (and its sad demise)
And as Eve walked in the Garden, she wept and rent her breast, for her heart was sore.

And the Serpent came unto her, and he said, woman, why dost thou rent thy breast? For thou canst buy one just as cheap, and save on taxes.

And Eve said, Serpent, thou art such a smartass, and someday I shalt make thy skin into a handbag, if thou art not careful.

And the Serpent rolled his eyes, but contained his wrath, and said, Whassup, homegirl?

And Eve said, Serpent, my heart is sore, for all things pass away in time. The birds of the air make sweet music, and yet music once heard will die upon the air, as if it had never been.

And the Serpent said, if thou wouldst eat the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge as I advised, thou wouldst not have this problem.

And Eve said: I cannot eat of it, for lo, I am on a diet.

And the Serpent said: Thou art not fat.

And Eve said: Thou art not helping.

And the Serpent said: Woman, no one can help thee with this body image problem, for that is just one of thine issues. But if music is the delight of thine eyes, I can do something about that.

And spirit of the Serpent moved upon the waters. And he said "Let there be consumer electronics." And there were stereos and TVs; and the earth teemed with landline telephones, and with desktop computers. And the Serpent saw that it was good.

And lo, Adam, who had been watching a football game between two teams of squirrels, came suddenly unto the Garden and said, "cool." And unto the TV came he, and randomly he hit it with his hand, and he said, Woman, this thing doth not work.

And Eve said, Lo, the Serpent hath given unto us an instruction manual, and I have read of it.

And the Serpent left them to it.

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And it came to pass that as Eve walked in the Garden, she wept and rent her breast, for lo, heart was sore.

And the Serpent came unto her, and he said, what have I told you of renting your breast?

And Eve ignored this attempt at wit, and said, Serpent, my heart is sore, for all things pass away in time. The birds of the air make sweet music, and yet music once heard will die upon the air, as if it never had been.

And the Serpent said, I thought we took care of this last week.

And Eve said, Nay. For it came to pass that I cannot watch my Doctor Who DVDs, nay, nor my SGA DVDs neither. For lo, Adam hoggeth the TV, and Rodney McKay hath become a stranger to mine eyes, and the world lieth dark before me. Neither can I call my homegirl Lilith whilst I am off shopping in Gomorrah, for lo, the phone is back in the Garden by Adam's workstation. Neither can I listen to my McShep playlist whilst I work out; nay, nor my Harry/Draco playlist, nor even my Frodo/Sam. For lo, Adam hath installed the stereo by his own computer, and he doth not get slash, like, at all.

And Eve wept, and rent her breast some more.

And the Serpent said, Girlfriend, thou needst a more equitable relationship. Hast thou by any chance considered Lilith instead?

And Eve said, Nay, Serpent, thou hast constructed a false gender-based dichotomy. For thou knowest that if Lilith could get hold of the remote, she would be just as bad. And besides, she shippeth Hagrid/Umbridge, which is an abomination before the Lord.

And the Serpent said, Woman, thou hast a point. But if music is still the delight of thine eyes, I can do something about that.

And the spirit of the Serpent moved upon the waters. And the Serpent said, let there be personal electronics, but let them damn well be portable this time.

And lo, there were cell phones, and personal DVD players, and Ipods. And the earth teemed with notebook computers, and lo, they were in size no larger than a piece of toast. And the Serpent saw that it was good.

And Eve said, Holy crap, this Ipod can hold every CD I own, and all my pictures of Harry and Draco, and of Frodo and Sam, and of John and Rodney also. For lo, of gigabytes this Ipod hath sixty, and yet it can fit in my handbag, nay, even in my smallest and cutest handbag.

And the Serpent said, lo, check it out, it hath games also.

And Eve said, Dude, thou hast totally topped thyself this time.

And the Serpent said, I'm picturing that, and it's not pretty. But Eve heard him not, for she walked in the streets of Gomorrah, wherein she listened to the McShep playlist which was the delight of her heart. And she sang along, and lo, she looked like a tool.

And the Serpent left her to it.

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And it came to pass as Eve walked into the Garden, she wept and rent her breast, for her heart was sore.

And the Serpent said, Now what?

And Eve said, the birds of the air . . .

. . . have nothing to do with it, said the Serpent. For lo, I have been watching the server logs, and I know thou hast ripped two cool songs to your McShep playlist, and yet thou hast not downloaded them to thine Ipod. Don't tell me. Did Adam take this Ipod unto himself?

Nay, Serpent, said Eve, he hath it not.

Then thy homegirl Lilith hath taken thine Ipod unto herself, to watch Hagrid/Umbridge vids, and other abominations of Gomorrah?

Nay, Serpent, said Eve, I unfriended Lilith long ago, for lo, she is wanky, and hath named me in an anonymous meme.

And the Serpent said, Well, fuck me if I know what the problem is now.

And Eve said, Serpent, I cannot download my songs to the Ipod, for lo, I have lost the cable.

And the Serpent held forth a cable unto her, and said, What's this, chopped liver?

And Eve said, Nay, Serpent, that is the cable for my digital camera.

And the Serpent held forth another cable unto her, and said, Well, what about this then?

And Eve said, Nay, Serpent, that is the cable for my cell phone.

And the Serpent said, Woman, bugger me blind, what difference does it make? For all these cables are USB2, and one USB2 is as like unto another, as two peas in a pod; nay, as like as the minds of two fangirls in thrall to Orlando Bloom.

And Eve said, Ha, that's what you know; for each USB2 cable is alike at one end, but at the other, it hath an interface as unique as a snowflake's fingerprint.

And the Serpent said, Now THAT is unique.

And Eve said, No shit, Sherlock; any suggestions?

And the Serpent said, Woman, I have given you technology five thousand years more advanced that anything yet seen on this sorry excuse for a planet, mostly to help you with your relationship problems; but if thou canst not keep track of a few simple cables, I think it's time you started to own your actions, here.

And Eve bleated, But Serpent, of cables I now have some two dozen, and they all look alike. And lo, when they are placed in a drawer, they intertwine one with another, nay, without the intervention of the hand of man, nor of the hand of woman neither. And they formeth a knot that Einstein could not untangle, nay, nor my darling Rodney McKay neither, for they resemble nothing so much, as a foul nest of snakes.

And the Serpent said, That's it, kiddo, you're on your own now.

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Sigh. I suppose I could just give in and go to the Apple store and buy a new cable. But that seems, somehow, like cheating.

Bah.